Javier Orti is featured in the new documentary, The Overly Emotional Child

This new documentary helps parents gain a deeper understanding of why children may have BIG Emotions.

Learn how you can help your child:


  • Eliminate tantrums
  • Stop shutting down
  • prevent overreacting


Like a complete course to help parents and children gain emotional intelligence together.

Get more info on the documentary at



Liz Weaver (00:00):

In today's video, we have Javier Orti. Javier is a life coach who specializes in working with children and parents. And in this video, Javier aims to answer the million-dollar question. What do I do when my child is overly emotional, crying, shouting, and not listening. Have you been in that situation? Well, let's see what Javier has to say about helping children manage emotions.


Javier Orti (00:22):

Hello. What do you do when your child is very emotional? When you stay for a, maybe a bit aggressive when they just don't listen to anything that you want to do, when they are pretty much blocked by their emotions, what do you do in those moments? Have to say that is one of the most frequent questions that I get asked. And I don't think that we can answer it in one single way. We have to answer it in three stages. One is understanding what's happening to your child's emotions. What is triggering that behavior? Two is what do you do in the heat of the moment? And three is how do you go about understanding how to resolve them the line? Cause the problem that is triggering those reactions. So let's just start with the first one, the behavior of that child of that boy, that girl is being triggered.


Javier Orti (01:10):

In most cases, by fear, it can be a real or imagined fear in 10. In fact, most of the time it's imaginary fear, but it's a fear of not being good enough or being rejected or being told off of whatever ATS. But these are very deep-rooted, emotional that they feel it's threatening to them. And when they feel overwhelmed by that fear, they have no other way of expressing those emotions. Then the behavior comes because the behavior is only a symptom. It's an outcome of what's underneath. What we need to understand is that it's driven by a fear. A lot of the time I'm going to disappoint my parents. I'm not going to be good enough. My teacher is going to tell me off for something. I didn't do why date, whatever it is, but it's that emotion that is triggering the behavior. So don't judge the behavior.


Javier Orti (02:02):

Don't judge the outcome. Don't jets, the tears, or even the aggressive behavior. Just be mindful that they, something that we need to uncover to help your son or daughter. The second part is, okay, what do you do in the heat of the moment? I understand my kid is emotional. I understand my kid is afraid of something or worry. Or what about, what do I do now? What we normally do is if you are like me, you, you will take one or two deep breaths and you say, okay, honey, come down. And your words will most likely be ignored. You will take another deep breath and you will try it. And eventually, you will just lash out. You will explode. You will run out of pace and you will run out of resources and you will lash out. Now that is that's quite counterproductive first.


Javier Orti (02:53):

You know, it doesn't work. It doesn't work ever. It never works. It just delays things. Second is because it's counterproductive because we are sending a message to the child, that child that is emotional, that doesn't know why they are Fred. Now they see the parents being angry as well. And a lot of them, what they feel is it's my fault. I made that or mom angry. So actually there's something profoundly wrong with me because I am creating this. I am to blame, not only for my fears that I cannot control, but that's for my dad and my mom's situation. So actually when we are in that, in that heat, the moment, what we, the only option that we can do is to kick com is damaged limitation, avoid it from escalating or eBay. You need to do it in your power to stop it from going any farther.


Javier Orti (03:51):

The goal is that you keep calm, that you can focus. You understand your child is not in control of the emotions at that moment. Anything you said is going to be ignored because you know what? The brain, the rational brain is not thinking. They are ruled by feelings by emotions at that moment. So don't waste your brain empty. Just keep calm, take a few deep breaths, make sure that they are safe and anybody else around is safe. Of course, and just stop it from going any farther, but stop it, allow it to just kind of wealth, make sure that they are safe. If you think that you're not going to cope, go have a cup of tea or coffee. Just relax. If you have another relevant, other that feels a bit stronger emotional in that moment, let them take the lead and you can take a few steps back.


Javier Orti (04:39):

Don't go away. Don't go into another room. Don't leave the house because then the kid will feel rejected just to stay with an ID stance and just say, okay, I'm just going to give you a bit of time to calm down. And when we're ready, we will talk. So all we need to do is to keep really calm. I just think that the calmer I am, the calmer they will be. So it is a, it's a symbiotic relationship. Again, the more excited and nervous and worried that I am the more excited, nervous, and worried. It will be. So keep calm, keep relaxed, give yourself time. If you need it, give them time. If they need it, just allow it to wear it off. Now the last part is okay, how do I understand what's going on? How do I help my kid figure out what's going on?


Javier Orti (05:27):

And we can resolve it. And I'm going to be very honest. This takes a bit of time. It takes a bit of time, a number of conversations, but these are about creating the space, creating the opportunity for your kids to express themselves. But the first thing that you have to understand is they probably don't know. And they don't know because they don't understand the feelings and they don't know because they don't have the words and the ability to articulate those feelings. So we'll have to guide them gently into that conversation. So here is five points that I suggest for you to think about. The first point is to look for patterns of what's happening just before that emotion. What is that? It created that situation. It could be that they had to do things that they thought it was too difficult. It could be that they were denied something that they thought it was theirs.


Javier Orti (06:19):

It could be that they felt aggravated because you had words of care for one of your siblings, for another kid or not them wherever it is. But there is a pattern. Humans are pattern people. So there will be a part and just think about it. What's happening and make a guess. You will not know, but you can make a guess about what are those patterns. And that is giving you a few ideas. What could be behind that behavior? This is a compiler, this about approach in the conversation. You need to have that conversation with a K. We cannot drop it off because when we brought it up when we keys make up on forget, all we are doing is we adjust the lane, the conversation, and the learning, the issue is going to happen again. And again and again. So we do need to have a conversation, but we need to have a conversation when they feel that they are calm enough when they can respond.




Wait for the pre-frontal cortex to come online

Javier Orti (07:10):

When the emotions that the back part of the brain has subsided  and the front part, the prefrontal cortex is a bit more active and they can think and articulate a bit better. Give them time to relax, give them space. And when they are calm, then you can have the conversation when you're having that conversation. Just make sure you have plenty of time, make sure that you allow as much time that you don't have to cook. They now pick up the phone or wherever, because you know what? They don't want to talk about this. They don't want to face those fears because it's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable for everybody. It's uncomfortable for them as well. Why do they talk about something that makes me a Fred? I don't want to. So just time and make sure that you have enough space, uninterrupted space for you to say, listen, we want to talk about this.


Javier Orti (07:58):

How does it feel? Don't Russ Reed. Just make sure that you create that space for them to feel safe and that they can trust that they can have that conversation with you. Now, most likely your child will not want to engage in that conversation. And it's about creating those spaces, those moments for them to be able to talk. It doesn't have to be about their behavior. It could be about anything, but you create those special opportunities. You go to the corner soap for our milk, or to do some swapping or for a walk in the park. There's a, how you feeling. And you just talk about this. You create those spaces. So he even 20 knows that he can talk to you about those things. And the final part of this strategy is what I call fishing around. And now remember the kids will not be able to express the feelings will not be very good about putting words into what it is.


Javier Orti (08:50):

They probably don't even know where they are come from. So something that I use a lot in my practice is just to suggest things in that very calm way. Would you say, is this an, I don't know you, but when this happened, I could have felt a bit frustrated or a bit angry about this or a bit left out, or maybe not important enough. And she just throws those things around and you allow them to see which one resonates with them, which one, tick the box for them. And they would probably say, yeah, I felt a bit frustrated. Okay. And what else did you feel? And you allow them to explain, and you felt frustrated because it was really important. Two things do not fix it. They're not going to miss them, fix it, man, let them explore it. This is not a fixing approach right now.


Javier Orti (09:39):

This is just an exploration approach. You just want them to express this, the feeling there will be a time to fix. It will be a time for you to think about how do you go about changing those feelings or hoping they change those feelings. But at this point, it's only about helping them connect with those feelings, express those feelings. In my experience, once that the child is able to express them, 50% of the job is done. It's the most important thing then yes, we have to do the other 50%, but this is critical. Once you understand those feelings, then you're going to start creating ideas, opportunities, suggestions for them to change those feelings, those ideas. Now, remember they will not change those feelings only because you tell them that is not true. In fact, if you tell them it's not true, probably they will think that you are aligned because it's true for them. They will change those feelings when they experienced them differently. So the goal is how do you create situation experiences for them to notice a different feeling? Little by little, little by little so eventually they can let the old feeling go and create a new one.




Make sure to watch the full documentary on childhood emotions. You'll learn how to help your child manage their own emotions. You'll learn about your own emotions and how they affect your child. And you'll learn simple ways of helping children improve behavior.

Get more info at


And they don't know because they don't understand the feelings and they don't know because they don't have the words and the ability to articulate those feelings

Key Takeaways:

Most often the cause is imagined fear
Don't judge the behavior
Keep calm and focus

The Overly Emotional Child with Javier Orti

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